Several years ago a series of events led me to ask a couple of questions that significantly impacted my life and the way in which I live it. Those questions were:
- How do I know what I know?
- Why do I believe what I say I believe?
There were likely several catalyst to those questions.
First from a personal standpoint, I had nearly completed a doctorate program and was beginning to recognize that throughout my life what I had considered to be “research” was actually not research at all. What I had considered “research” up to that time was really a process where I had a preconceived idea or concept and then I set about to find information, opinions, and data that supported my forgone conclusion. The doctoral program taught the value of formulating a question and then seeking to enlarge the available pool of knowledge, to seek out a wide avenue of opinions, data points, and facts from as wide a range as possible. To sift and weigh these pieces of information, and then to reach a conclusion based on the evidence provided. I recognized that up to that point in my life, I really hadn’t approached my quest for knowledge in that manner.
Second, my eldest daughter was progressing through her teen years. As part of this process she was struggling in her interactions at church. She was the type of girl that really didn’t fit the mold established for her by the young women’s curriculum and leadership. She had no desire to get married, to have kids, or to focus on the life of a homemaker. Her interests and goals were academic and professional in nature and felt as though she as being forced to conform to a box that really didn’t fit her. Moreover, she began to ask questions around doctrines, principles, and practices of the church that were extremely difficult to answer if those answers were to be factually based and logically supported.
Third, I was serving in leadership calling at the ward and then the stake level at the time and much of what I was encountering in the planning and administration meetings surrounding those callings were antithetical to what I had always believed the church and its leadership were about. While these were clearly the actions and decisions of individuals and not the church as an organization, they also played a role in leading to the fundamental questions above.
Those questions led to what many in the LDS community have termed a ‘faith crisis.’ I went down the rabbit hole and discovered a plethora of things about the church that I had never known or even thought to ask. This led to feelings of frustration, distrust, disillusionment, and even anger. It led to my perusal or websites from the highly faithful like lds.net (now thirdhour.org) to newordermormon.net and exmormon.org. I read commentary and blogs or listened to webcasts from individuals like John Dehlin, Daniel Petterson, Philip Barlow, and Bill Reel. I read everything related to the church from the scriptures, the Joseph Smith Paper Project, the essays and the CES letter. I spent time with non-LDS specific frameworks like Fowlers stages of faith and other philosophies of faith transition.
It wasn’t a process of weeks or months, but rather one of years. Friends and family seemed to be curious or even concerned about the process. So many times, I felt a bit like this:
It was difficult to explain the process to someone who had not been through it. At the same time I began to recognize that it was also very easy to give in to feelings of superiority or judgement. It was surprisingly easy to leap to the conclusion that of course I understood where these family and friends were, since I had been there myself, but that they could not, or would not understand my perspective because they had not been where I was. It took some time but I recognized that I didn’t want to become “that” person either.
In the end, I’ve realized that this is an ongoing process. It is not about a place of arrival, but rather about the journey and the knowledge and insight gained therein. I have found a place in the church for some of the good things that it brings, but I am perfectly able and willing to ignore the aspects that do not bring value or betterment to my life. Ten years ago I would have been petrified by the idea of standing before a judgement bar for fear of all the things that I had perhaps done wrong. For the times that I didn’t follow the guidance of the prophet, or even my bishop. Today, I have a deeper appreciation of the concept of agency. I mess up, make mistakes, and learn every single day. But I have no fear at all of standing before any judgement bar, made up of any kind of membership from the vulgar to the divine. I can happily report why I have made the decisions that I have made and taken the actions I have taken. Because they are my own. Based on the best evidence and data I can find. I am happy to change in the face of new evidence or new knowledge. I know that I can….I have done so before.
This blog will explore various ideas, concepts, and topics as it relates to the LDS experience and as viewed through the eyes of this author. If you think that I am off base, please comment. Share your thoughts, insights, and your own experience. I am eager to learn from you. While I welcome debate and even disagreement a few words of caution are in order. Please be respectful. If you cannot be respectful your comments will be deleted and you will be blocked. If you would like to make a counter argument to any of the content on this blog please do so with logic, reason, and evidence. Emotional appeals or logical fallacies will not be permitted. They will also be deleted. If you are unsure of what these are, please educate yourself regarding them, before you click the respond button.